After trying to conceive for 5 years and then finally bringing home a baby is the best and scariest feeling in the world. I don't ever want to forget the tears, the begging prayers, the pain of the treatments or the heartbreaking news that our little one didn't make it, but thankfully I'm finding that all of that seems like a different life. How does God do it?!
He has made the heartbreaking journey seem so perfect! I thought I would never be "ok" with what we went through but God changed my heart once again. I'm more than ok because He answered our prayers in His perfect timing not our "perfect" timing.
Yesterday I was cleaning out my glove box and found a blog that one of my good friends wrote for me after our 2nd miscarriage (shows how often I clean my glove box). When I started reading it I could not hold back the tears and huge lump in my throat. She had titled her blog:
A person's a person no matter how small...
She talks about waking up with a song in her head and the familiar lyrics standing out like they were written in neon. The chorus says, "You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." She said that what this song is truly saying hit her hard.
She writes: 'My friend, throughout this horrible and painful journey that has been full of frustration and angst has not ever stopped blessing His name. She has shown patience and grace in a way that I don't think I ever could and she hasn't ever stopped leaning on God to get them through. She is a wonderful example to me of taking a situation that could easily have made her lash out at a God and doubt His grace and yet is still praising His name.' Now as I read her words I have no idea how I made her (or anyone else) feel this way. I was broken inside - broken to the max and still God was using me for His good even though I couldn't see it.
Looking back on those sad days, months and years I wonder how I made it though and still have friends. ;) I now realize that the saying, 'God won't give you more than you can handle' is true, it just doesn't feel like during the trial. I realize that I was handling my situation much better than I ever thought I was. Even though I was broken on the inside God used my stength (that I didn't now I had) to let people see Him at work! Melissa's blog meant so much to me the day she wrote it but looking back now it means even more to me. Thank you Melissa!
Now that Bennett has been with us for 8 weeks we are running forward! It's wonderful! I love being Bennett's mommy! She is growing up so fast and changing everyday. I know that I can't freeze time and keep her teeny tiny forever but I do know that I enjoy her everyday! My days (or nights) will never be the same and for that I thank God!
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