from the get-go to the oh-no!

I'm not sure how or why I am sitting at the computer starting a blog instead of being curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out and shouting at God for not giving ME what WE want! Today is the day that I have been waiting for since Wednesday, June 1...it's blood work day to see if our little "blasts" decided to start growing into sweet little baby Ehlers after their long journey down the IVF tube. As you guessed (hints the I should be crying and shouting) the result came back negative. :(
But before we get into what's happening today I should take you back to 3 1/2 years ago when we thought baby making was going to be a FUN, EASY and FREE journey for the newly married Ehlers couple! God had other plans! Nine months of trying on our own was a great time but each month ended with a negative test. So the FUN turned into 'dysFUNctional', the EASY turned into 'giving myself shots in the tummy is very EASY', and the FREE turned into 'Dear God, please let me produce enough milk to breast feed these babies until they start Kindergarten and can qualify for FREE lunches, please let them be great communicators so that they can talk one of the four sets of grandparents into buying them a car, and please let them be smart and/or athlete so that they will get a scholarship to college.'
We knew that we didn't want to raise a family in the Dallas area but we thought for sure we can start our family there and then move to a smaller town before they started school. We were so egg-cited to start treatments with my OB/GYN and even more excited when we found out that our second IUI worked! May 6, 2009 we found out we were pregnant and everything looked great! Sadly our egg-citement ended with a miscarriage. After another failed IUI we switched to a fertility doctor in Dallas.
I got through this very difficult time with the help of some wonderful, Watermark (our church) ladies that had started a bible study for ladies in this kind of situation, Shiloh.
This meant that I would be driving into Dallas for every appointment. The distance was going to cause a huge problem for me because I didn't want to take off work that much and I didn't want to ask the other 1st grade teachers for help with "my kiddos." For some reason I didn't want anyone to know what we were going through. As the months went on I cautiously started letting the teachers on my team into my fertility struggles. Thankfully they stepped right in and took my kids where they needed to be so that I could run to my doctors appointments. (They were lifesavers!) Treatments started again in November and on the 18th YAY!!!! pregnant again!!!!! Yet again we find ourselves struggling with another miscarriage. "God, what is wrong with me?" Throughout that time I found Isaiah 55:9 comforting. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
I was headed down hill, even though this verse was in the back of my mind. So many of our friends and family were lifting us up in prayer and trying to comfort us during this sad holiday season. I was there and "smiling" but having no part of it.
I pulled away from everyone except my 22 little 1st graders. Two couples from our church spoke with Zach and he spilled the beans. I was so upset with for telling our close friends what bad shape I was in but then on the other hand I was hoping to be "normal" again soon. The girls in our group set up a time a for them to "get on to me" for acting so distant and as mad as I was about it opened all of our eyes to the way we needed pray for each other and we got closer because of it.
My doctor and I discussed a taking break and relaxing. I started acupuncture (GREAT! if you get the chance, go!), started drinking 1-2 glasses of red wine a night (acupuncture orders;) and started feeling like me again! Finally! We did a couple more IUI treatments with our Dallas doctor but all ended with negative tests.

As we were TTC (trying to conceive) Zach has also been trying to get into the San Antonio Fire Department, I'm guessing he thought my crazy could handle a little more. After passing tons of tests he is finally excepted! This means I have quit my teaching job, we are packing up our house, leaving this fertility doctor and starting all over! Not to mention we are moving in with my in-laws and will be sleeping in the comfort of bunk beds! YES you read that correctly....bunk beds! ;)
Here we are, living in the smaller town just like we thought we would be but we have no little ones to enjoy it with us! My plan was to sub for a year, "get my foot in the door" and then I would have no problem getting a teaching job. I'm sure that you can figure out how well that plan has worked out for me due to all the budget cuts. "God, what is your plan?"  And once again my heart fills with "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
On the other hand we have found a great fertility center in San Antonio and Firefighters have incredible insurance. We have now gone through two IVF cycles, both sadly ending with a negative result.
So here I am sitting, typing, not crying and having NO IDEA what's going to come next but praying that God's baby plan for the us will happen VERY soon! Right now my heart is filled with 1 Peter 5:10-11. "And, after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM belongs the power forever. Amen"