time flies

Lately I can't seem to get the tears out of my eyes. I've been thinking about all the happenings of this past year. 2012 Super bowl Sunday (a.k.a Heart Sock Sunday) I went in for my egg retrieval, had terrible complications while "on the table" then for the next five days we waited to hear from the doctor in Maryland. Our ten fertilized eggs had been biopsied and one cell from each "baby" was shipped to Maryland.
Results came on February 10th and the doctors gently placed Bennett in her womb. One year has already flown by and we have a healthy, happy 4 month old baby Bennett! We are in awe of her!
I have a car seat in my car for MY baby, I'm buying baby stuff at the store for MY baby, I'm making up silly songs for MY baby, I'm getting up early to take MY baby to Ms. Kelly, I'm making arrangements for MY baby, I'm walking out of church with MY baby singing "amen." ;) I could go on and on and on about the things that I can't believe I get to do because this little girl is MINE!
She starts each day with the biggest smile on her face, she rolls from tummy to back (only when she wants to), she talks ALL time, she fake cries, she loves being outside, she LOVES her daddy, she loves to sleep on my chest and she makes us the happiest mommy and daddy!
One year ago we were begging God to please make us a mommy and daddy and now we are planning nap schedules, changing poopy diapers, learning how to put toys together, singing silly songs and making funny faces just to get a toothless little grin from our beautiful blessing!
We truly thank God daily for this little lady!

                                           The first time we ever saw her! Love at first sight!

One year later!

                                    GOD, WE THANK YOU FOR THIS LITTLE GIRL AND

WE PRAY THAT SHE GIVES YOU ALL THE GLORY ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE!

AMEN

looking back and running forward

After trying to conceive for 5 years and then finally bringing home a baby is the best and scariest feeling in the world. I don't ever want to forget the tears, the begging prayers, the pain of the treatments or the heartbreaking news that our little one didn't make it, but thankfully I'm finding that all of that seems like a different life. How does God do it?!
He has made the heartbreaking journey seem so perfect! I thought I would never be "ok" with what we went through but God changed my heart once again. I'm more than ok because He answered our prayers in His perfect timing not our "perfect" timing.
Yesterday I was cleaning out my glove box and found a blog that one of my good friends wrote for me after our 2nd miscarriage (shows how often I clean my glove box). When I started reading it I could not hold back the tears and huge lump in my throat. She had titled her blog:
A person's a person no matter how small...
She talks about waking up with a song in her head and the familiar lyrics standing out like they were written in neon. The chorus says, "You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." She said that what this song is truly saying hit her hard.
She writes: 'My friend, throughout this horrible and painful journey that has been full of frustration and angst has not ever stopped blessing His name. She has shown patience and grace in a way that I don't think I ever could and she hasn't ever stopped leaning on God to get them through. She is a wonderful example to me of taking a situation that could easily have made her lash out at a God and doubt His grace and yet is still praising His name.' Now as I read her words I have no idea how I made her (or anyone else) feel this way. I was broken inside - broken to the max and still God was using me for His good even though I couldn't see it.
Looking back on those sad days, months and years I wonder how I made it though and still have friends. ;) I now realize that the saying, 'God won't give you more than you can handle' is true, it just doesn't feel like during the trial. I realize that I was handling my situation much better than I ever thought I was. Even though I was broken on the inside God used my stength (that I didn't now I had) to let people see Him at work! Melissa's blog meant so much to me the day she wrote it but looking back now it means even more to me. Thank you Melissa!
Now that Bennett has been with us for 8 weeks we are running forward! It's wonderful! I love being Bennett's mommy! She is growing up so fast and changing everyday. I know that I can't freeze time and keep her teeny tiny forever but I do know that I enjoy her everyday! My days (or nights) will never be the same and for that I thank God!

still smiling? yes ma'am

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my scheduled 36 week check to find out that I'm already 1cm dilated and the doctor can feel Bennett's head. She's getting ready to meet the world!

But let's back up to the nightmare that was week 34.
With my hormones out of whack and the stress of school starting it's only natural that my face start breaking out. What's not natural is when you have a huge, deep under the skin zip that's mountain sized on the side of your cheek. And what's even more out of the ordinary is when the whole side of your face swells up enough that you are unrecognizable. Also this all happened on a weekend, of course!
I already had a Monday and Tuesday sub lined up so that I could test my kids (unknown genius plan;), I made it to school by 6:30ish Monday morning, got ready for my sub, left school about 7:30ish and went to my doctors dark waiting area where I waited for them to open. As soon as the secretary stepped out of the elevator and saw who I was she assured me that they would be able to squeeze me in first thing. To make a long story short...my face was lanced that same day and I was told that I had a staph infection. As the days go by my face is slowly healing and I'm scaring less and less people on the street.

Yesterday was the second time I'd been back to my doctors office since everything had happened, the nurse was commenting on how good my face is looking and then she said, "You've been through so much to get here and your still always smiling." I really didn't think much of her comment until this morning while driving to school with tears in my eyes as Bennett was doing her morning yoga stretches. As I felt each of her movements I thought, "How can I do anything but smile?"
I was reminded of the verse Luke 17:6.
The Lord answered, "If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,' and it would obey you!
Five years ago when this journey started I felt like I had faith the size of an apple. I knew that both of us (Zach and me) were healthy and I thought that bringing a baby into our family would be no trouble at all. As each year passed with no baby my faith seemed to get smaller and smaller. I realize now that the apple sized faith that I had was not complete faith in the Lord but faith in us. We can do this! When I thought my faith was "getting smaller" I was right, it was getting smaller in us but it was growing in the Lord because I realized that only He could make this happen! And when my faith got to the size of a small mustard seed (in Him), He did great things and we will have a sweet baby Bennett to prove just how faithful He is and always will be!

expecting the expected when expecting

Today we are 25 weeks pregnant with our little Bennett Nicole Ehlers!
The last 4 1/2 -5 years of fertility treatments were the worst, yet most meaningful, years of my life. During those years Zach and I became the couple that God needs us to be to shepherd this little girls heart to Him. We both realize that we aren't the 2 main ingredients running through Bennett's DNA, He is!!! And it's taken Him this long to condition our hearts, our minds and our support of one another to prepare us for this next journey in life...BENNETT NICOLE!

What I expected:
to be in love
to be a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy (because of 3 miscarriages)
to worry about every little thing
to only throw up the first few weeks
to stop gagging every time I brush my teeth
to not add stool softeners to my favorites list
to not have nose bleeds EVERY morning
to only have swollen hands and feet every now and then
to be able to still bend over and get up the same way
to be able to crawl out of bed the same way
to still look cute in a swimming suit
to feel little moves and kicks

What I had/have:
is more love flowing through me than I ever imagined!
is the peace that can only be from God!
is the comfort of knowing that He is in charge and loves Bennett more than I will ever know!
is so much nauseousness up until about 15 weeks ~ coffee smell still NOT good!
is still gagging while brushing ~ will this ever go back to normal?!
is wanting to buy stock in stool softeners!
is nose bleeds EVERY morning!
is SWELLING on these hot days!
is running to tt every time I bend over!
is making a plan just to get out of bed without stretching the wrong way!
is a new tankini that I'm making work till the end of summer! ;)
is waking up each morning just to feel all those sweet little moves and kicks!

I thank Him for giving us those 4 1/2-5 years to prepare for His sweet blessing, I thank Him for all these changes that I've had to make in my life so far (and the many more changes to come) because I know my body is doing exactly what it needs to do to keep Bennett healthy and I thank Him for giving Bennett a daddy that loves the Lord and her mama!

I know that all these little things that I just wrote about will go away and fade from my memory but one thing is for sure...I ALREADY LOVE BEING BENNETT'S MAMA and that will NEVER go away or fade from my memory!

"For this child I (we) prayed; and the LORD hath given me (us) my (our) petition which I (we) asked of him." 1 Samuel 1:27

1st trimester pictures

                                               Our little BE during the first few weeks of life!
                                              THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS LITTLE LIFE!

 

Love at first sight! Our BE at 6 weeks!

Zach's family didn't understand the sono picture and thought BE looked like a hamster.

This is why some still call BE, Ham.

This is also when we found out our due date is October 28 so others call BE, Boo!

 Our love is growing along with little BE!

Our BE at 8 weeks!

BE was so active during this photo shoot that the ultrasound tech had a very hard time getting measurements!

Our BE at 10 weeks!

Our last doctor appointment with the fertility center!

Our BE at 11 weeks!

BE was not interested in the photo shoot during the first "real" doctor appointment.

Our BE at 12 weeks!

God's calling the shots!

Well, well, well...look what has happened while I've been napping and making a comfy home for little BE!
The IVF shots that I had to give myself as well as the ones I have been recruiting family and friends to give me during these 4 treatments are FINALLY OVER!!!! Lat night (4/11/12) was my LAST ONE!!!
With each egg retrieval I got a red "shot box" for all the needles to be properly disposed of....and of course we still have each one over flowing with some of the needles, shots and other little mediciney things. We figured this picture would be great documentation for when we have to have the "do you see what we went through to get you!" conversation! ;) (I'm guessing junior high/high school years!;)

The shot-less nights are a very bittersweet time in our lives! This means that we have graduated from our fertility doctor (last appt tomorrow) and we are moving onto a "normal" OB/GYN! We really just don't know what to do with ourselves!
I really never sat down and thought about being at this point in my pregnancy but I can't count the number of times I have thought about stopping all the shots and just being a "normal" pregnant girl. That time has come and I must admit, I'm scared to death!
"What if they take me off the shots to soon? What if feeling too good means somethings wrong? What if... What if..." is making it's way into my mind more than I would like for it to. As these "what if's..." are sneaking into my mind I find myself leaning on God more often. I know that God hears my thoughts/prayers and that He is making little BE perfectly in His image! Knowing that TRUE FACT brings His peace to me every time! Plus, He already loves BE more than I can ever imagine loving him/her and that gives me peace and comfort in a way I can't explain!
Jeremiah 1:4-5 “The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”

...and the beat goes on...

God is SO good!!!!! I find myself thanking Him over and over and then going on with my day before I realize its been hours since I last thanked Him. I feel so guilty, beg for Him to forgive me and then thank Him some more! Some days I think God has put the cafeteria in the main building of my school just so that I will have to pass it, get nauseous and be reminded to thank Him once again! ;)
Matthew 19:26 But Jesus looked at them and said,  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
I realize that the doctors words of wisdom, the reassuring visits with the nurses and the sonograms (see that the beat is still going on!) are what I look forward to every 2 weeks but I know that there is nothing they (man) can do for little BE and/or me if something where to look abnormal. BUT with God all things are possible and He has allowed little BE to grow and for his/her heart to have the perfect rhythm. THANK YOU GOD!!!!
Today we fell in love all over again!!! The room was so quiet as we were watching little BEs heart beat, gazing at the way he/she is growing and changing when out of nowhere the sonogram nurse said, "OH! and started laughing a little." My heart sank as I looked closer at the sono screen for something unusual. "WHAT WHAT?!?!" "Did you see that? The baby just did a little jump! It's too tiny for you to feel but I just saw it!" 8week3days and already jumping, I have a feeling that God has given us these 4 1/2 years of TTC to rest up and get ready for the arrival of a little jumping BE!
                                     Here's our little jumping BE! His/Her heart rate was 159!

“Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Matthew 19:14